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on disappearances

{via design*sponge}
today is the day I announce the winner of my Pretty as a Posie giveaway. I held it off for a week and then, completely disappeared. off the electronic map although I traced my progress on a map. If you are looking for the winner. see the next post. but first...

I'm too good at making dissatisfying excuses that make me feel worse, so I'm not going to give you one. I will say that I was oddly busy and quite distracted before I mimicked this ellipses. there were doctor's appointments, work, class and then friends (which is so nice to be reminded that I have), and I kept breathing in, waiting for the long weekend in Cannon Beach with my G.  My head was spinning with things I was convinced I needed to finish before we took off on Friday and didn't get home until Monday, dreamy pictures of not-much to come. of course not everything got done, and worse, not everything needed doing. was I manufacturing the need to do these things to make me feel like I was needed? in the end it seemed that it was fine that things just fell away. I am back and things are still not done and... Yet again, people feed me full of information, projects and promises and don't come through. I am left waiting for information, feeling like a pest asking yet again for the promised information. did it ever even matter? 
The strange dietary verdict is that I'm highly allergic to papaya (!?!?). I have been taking a papaya/pineapple digestive supplement 1-2 times a day for the last four years, apparently, poisoning myself. oops. This created a stressed digestive system and a sensitivity to wheat and yeast (I've known I'm allergic to beer for ages now). So in order to detox,  I am supposed to cut out all citrus and most wheat for a month and see how I feel. But I went on vacation. So instead, we stopped in Portland at the St. Honore bakery, aka heaven, and stocked up on quiche and baguette sandwiches and croissants with bechemel. In Cannon Beach I ate pancakes and sandwiches and crackers with wine and cheese. now that I'm home, I'm starting the detox. And with the leaving and the homecoming and the back to normal came this feeling. a sort of sadness. I can't even put my finger on it. all I want is to curl up in the dark and avoid everything. Although these words seem plentiful now, I'm straining through writer's block. not just a lack of words but a reason to say them. do I sound whiney? because this is where I say I have no desire to whine. I'm just explaining. I don't even know why I'm explaining exactly. I have found that when I try to explain to live people, I am met with misunderstanding. blankness. perhaps I've made it worse. so here, I declare this to the ether. take it or leave it. 

At the beach, when it rained I watched the sea curl towards the sand from our room. when it shined I felt the warm sand between my toes. but did it bring me peace? not exactly. it made me sad. I was disappointed in the book that I am reading, not because it isn't good but because I seem to be looking for Franny and Zooey. is it that I need a little hope along with my desolation? Is it just too much for me read about willed ignorance right now? Probably. I wanted to finish this book because it is one that my husband particularly likes. he is a voracious reader but mostly of sci-fi and fantasy lit. and next I'm supposed to read Harry Potter. sigh.

I'll post the winner of the giveaway later this evening. If you made it this far, thanks for reading.


  1. You know, you probably showed as highly allergic to the papaya because you've been taking it for so long. I bet there's something in the papaya that caused you're body to have an inflammatory reaction, bringing out other issues. Once the furnace is stoked it burns the fire like crazy.

    I'm really glad that you're getting help... it's hard but you'll feel better!!! Just don't be too hard on yourself, it's a big change. Try the best that you can and give yourself some grace when you slip up.

  2. PAPAYA! that's crazy! I personally don't have the palate to appreciate that fruit...but I'm sorry if it's one of your faves :-(

    I've been thinkin' boutcha...glad you are OK...even though not quite yourself. You'll get through...
    you really will!!

  3. The thing is, I don't like papaya. I was taking the supplement because I thought it was good for my digestion. Weird huh!


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