This morning I went to the dentist, again. I didn't go for three years, partially because I was, gasp, uninsured, and then out of simple laziness. I have a lot of trouble making appointments when I'm not at the place that I need an appointment - like scheduling the next haircut at the current haircut, etc. Regardless, I like my dentist a lot. I've been seeing him semi-regularly for nine years and he always makes me laugh. This morning he brought up that show In Living Color. The man is a goofball but he knows his stuff. He was rated one of the best dentists in Seattle by Seattle magazine. I refer everyone to him because he's awesome (email me if you live in Seattle and need a good dentist). Anyway, when I finally returned to get a cleaning before the wedding, he discovered that I'd been more delinquent than I had realized. Getting old sucks when it comes to these things. Not only did I have periodontal disease, I had five cavities, including one requiring a crown. I have lost count of how many times I have been in to see him in the last five months. This morning I went in to have my permanent crown put in, and wouldn't you know it, I lost the temporary sometime in the last three weeks. I remember the temporary being slightly ill fitting and annoying and then, just like that, I got used to it. Only I didn't get used to it, I probably ate it. Since I'd spent the last two to three weeks with a gaping hole in my tooth that I didn't really notice except that cold things were really cold, when he asked if I didn't want to numb up, I said hell yeah. I hate getting numb, I get all jittery and tingly and I feel like I'm out for the whole day. Instead, after maybe an hour sitting in a heated chair massager, and maybe five minutes tops of genuine uncomfortableness, I was done. Holy cow, I can chew stuff now. Bring on the ice cream!
which brings me to...
Just after I got married and returned from my honeymoon, I started working full time (with time off for dentist visits). Before, I had been working three days a week at my office job and spent the rest of the time reading wedding porn, blogging, freaking out about the wedding, and being genuinely productive about the wedding (see all other posts before September 13). But, since I started working full time, I come home and all I want to do is not look at the computer anymore. Despite all of my own arguments to the contrary, the busyness that I have been experiencing at work has been mildly rewarding. I'm learning a lot while staring at the screen. But the fact of the matter is, I've been missing the blogging action. I have made a lot of excuses as to why I haven't been reading or writing of late, but four months later (maybe five, I spent a lot of time working on that damned dress), I feel a hole. A weird hole like I can't eat cold things right now. Unidentifiable, though.
I've gone through a lot of these periods in my life. Random life stresses, small things and big things drive me to babble into a journal or blog until something final happens, I complete the puzzle, and then I dry up. I close up. But eventually I feel the hole.
This is the hole. I graduated college nearly four years ago - English with honors, an emphasis in creative writing. something big and then I stopped writing. I got a job where I sort of write, mostly edit, but sort of... little hole. I got engaged, and then I wrote, noticing that I'd had the hole when I started blogging about all things wedding. Then I got married and then I stopped. something big and then the end. then the hole. I've made all kinds of excuses to myself. I felt guilty. I thought I didn't have anything left to offer except regrets. bigger hole.
I stumbled upon Meg's post(s) and realized that just like before the wedding, I wanted to share only the lovely things I found rather than be honest about the actual feelings I was having about the damned thing. I wrote less about what I felt here, and commented more about it over there on Meg's site where I apparently felt safer.
But today is a day of crowns and revelations so here it is. I have regrets about my wedding. But I'm not the only one. (Although let me just say that our ceremony rocked! It was amazing. I felt so filled with love, and on the verge of crying, I laughed. laughed laughed laughed, but) the party was only pretty good.
what I'm really trying to say here is that in order for me to fill the hole, I have to write. so I'm still here. I've watched a lot of fabulous blogs close up shop post wed, or relocate under a new name, fresh and clean. But I've always liked "broken saucer" so I'm keepin' it. try and stop me.